Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Man: A Pattern-Seeking Animal

Sitting out front at the downtown coffeehouse. I happen to look up. There it was: a message from Them. Decussated chemtrails.

That grand display for my benefit initiated a series of messages.

Looked at this strategically placed rubber glove. They knew I would spot their satanic threat against me, the invocation of the Great Horned Beast.

The other day I noticed someone – actually something – was staring at me.

It was a demonically possessed shovel. Evil eyes.

Don’t believe me? Then how do you explain these images?

Isn’t your brain hardwired to find patterns?

X * * * X

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Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Joe Bonomo: Straight Dope

Facts About Narcotics
By Joe Bonomo and his staff of experts
64 pages; Bonomo Pocket Manuals (1966)

Pull up a chair. Hollywood stuntman, body builder, and health expert Joe Bonomo wants to give you the dope on dope.

Of course, Joe’s observations were made over four decades ago, but truth never changes, especially when it comes to the dope racket.

Opium, heroin, and marihuana – all the same; they’ll kill ya. It’s been proven that marihuana leads to harder stuff. By itself it’s bad. Examinations of reefer addicts prove that the drug can shrink a brain as much as ten percent.

But what’s the solution to stopping the narcotics epidemic? One answer: Early sex education.

Improper sex training can cause kids to grow up to be troubled adults. A messed up adult is a prime target for an unscrupulous peddler. Narcotics easily push the user into a helpless decline, the slippery slope of drug orgies, loose morals, venereal disease, bad teeth –- and then death. That dynamic duo -- morality and clean living -- have to be installed at a young age.

Take Johnny. He’s two years old. His parents take the right approach when it comes to sex. He’s been told the proper names of his body parts like penis and anus. He doesn’t “wee wee” or “go to pottie chair;” he urinates and has a bowel movement.

But one day Mother finds Johnny on the toilet, playing with his wee-wee – I mean, penis. The proud young boy says he can tickle his penis and make it big.

But Mother simply says that Johnny shouldn’t make his penis big or it will get sore. He should only hold it when urinating but at all other times leave it alone.

After all, Mother doesn’t want Johnny jerking off – I mean masturbating. Prolonged masturbation causes impotence in adult men by congesting the urethra. This means examination and treatment by a doctor.

To prevent such an embarrassing situation later in his life, Mother makes sure Johnny sleeps with lightweight covers, hands out in view.

And she makes sure to keep Johnny busy when he’s awake. As Joe Bonomo observes: “Oftentimes children play with themselves because they have nothing better to do.”

But Johnny is too young to really understand any of this, even when he’s six years old. At that age he might urinate outside, too busy playing (not with himself) to use indoor plumbing. Johnny must be told that only dogs urinate on trees. If he keeps urinating outside, then “he will have to be fed on the back porch with the other dogs.”

Of course, all of this sounds drastic. Especially when Mother tracks Johnny’s genital health and cleanliness, checking for a long, tight foreskin or pinworms in the rectum.

Such loving devotion by Mother will make Johnny a normal boy. He will grow up right, never becoming a narcotics user.

On his wedding night he’ll have to tell his new bride that she can’t touch his penis or she will make it sore.

Various images from the chapter, “Early Sex Education,” from DON’T BE A DOPE By Joe Bonomo.

Friday, April 11, 2008


Great. My drugstore has been absorbed by voice mail conformity.

Instead of speaking with a human being, I have to make a refill via the keypad on my phone. I punch in my Rx number; the robot voice tells me that my prescription will be ready in two hours.

Of course, when I show up at the drugstore at the proper time, my prescription hasn’t been filled. I explain that I used the “robot system” when I called.

The pharmacist apologizes; the voice mail system is new. She mentions that she forgot to check the green box on her computer screen telling her the deadline for processing my order. Four other people had called before me and their prescriptions are also overdue.

“So,” I joked, “you become a robot for a robot.”

She smiled. “Here’s your refill. Not as good as a robot.”

“Better,” I observed. “Robots don’t smile.”

I didn’t add that human beings are more responsive; information can easily be gained from one.

I learned from the pharmacist what to do next time when I call in a refill. When the voice mail activates, hit O and I’ll be connected to a real live person.

CPAP: Whoopee!

With a CPAP unit, one question must be answered: what kind of plastic rig do I want strapped on my face?

One mask just covers your nose. The increased air pressure to keep sleep apnea under control is pumped in through your nasal passages. Works OK if you don’t open your mouth, allowing the pressure to weaken. A chinstrap is supposed to keep your mouth shut, but it also causes the nose mask to slide around more and leak.

Such leaks are called “farts” by CPAP users. Indeed, it does sound like a small whoopee cushion when the air slips out from underneath the flexible membrane seal. Try sleeping with a whoopee cushion on your face making rude sounds.

The other option is a full face mask that covers both your nose and your mouth. The upside is that even if you open your mouth while sleeping, air pressure in maintained.

The downside is there is more area to slide around and leak. A bigger whoopee cushion. Before I could replace my old nose mask, I had to use a full face mask. Despite my carefulness, the mask kept leaking and farting, waking me up again and again. Besides not getting proper rest, I ended up with a bad dry mouth.

I did get another nose mask and went back to my old routine. I skip the chinstrap and gently seal my mouth shut with paper tape. Less mask farts, no dry mouth.

Now if I could do something about another problem. Sometimes using the CPAP creates gas. Ergo, normal farts…

(Note: This post doesn’t offer medical advice. Consult your doctor before you tape your own trap shut.)

Tuesday, April 01, 2008


The mystery deepens.

A while ago I wrote about a letter to Jim Moseley, writer/editor of the zine Saucer Smear, that had been returned to me because it was allegedly “undeliverable.” There was no reason for the letter to be sent back: it was properly addressed and stamped.

Jim checked with the post office on his end in Key West, Florida. The postal official said that someone made a mistake.

Some time after that incident, Jim called me and let me know that he had received an undamaged letter from saucer cartoonist Matt Graber inside the standard plastic bag with the note from the PO apologizing for damaging the item.

The first time I wrote about this postal strangeness, I speculated that men in black (as in human government spooks) were embedded in USPS, keeping track of saucer fiends. Yesterday I can across an item at ufomystic.com by Greg Bishop, talking about some weirdness he encountered with his snail mail communications with abduction researcher/writer Karla Turner before she died in 1996. (Link)

To quote Greg: “Strangely, every piece of mail that I received from Turner showed evidence of tampering. Some were left open, while others were sealed in plastic with an apology from the US Post Office.”

According to Greg, the tampering stopped after Turner sent her envelopes with the flaps taped. On each tape was written: SEALED BY SENDER.

An Appropriate Date

Today is my birthday. Actually it’s a birth date that I picked for myself. Since no one can pick the day they’re actually born, I believe everyone has the right to choose a second birthday – a B2.

From what I’ve quickly Google-gathered (Wikipedia and Snopes) April 1 used to be associated with the first day of spring and the New Year. All of that was changed when the calendar was changed from Julian to Gregorian in the 1500s: January 1 became the day to mark a new year.

There are a few ideas about the origin of the April Fools Day. According to one bit of speculation, a person was a fool when he still thought April 1 marked the New Year. Neighbors would stop in to his home on that day, acting as if it was New Year’s Day. If he fell for the trick, then he was appropriately labeled. (Lots of yuks with those French peasants, eh?)

Me, I’m more concerned about the spring aspect of April 1. Around here January 1 is the dead of winter. April 1 makes more sense to be associated with both springtime and a New Year. Even though there’s snow still on the ground, the days are getting longer and the temp is slowly rising.

Of course, when choosing April 1 as my B2, there’s also the trickster aspect…

(Note: This post was supposed to be up earlier but the Trickster decided to knock out the power to my apartment building.)