Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Ray X Sells Out

I always said I would sell out if the price was right. After years of printing an adless zine, followed by an ad-free blog, I’ve had enough of poverty. That’s why I am now the official spokesperson for Dr. Cheeseman’s Female Regulating Pills.

I will only stand behind a product with a proven track record stretching over 170 years. Dr. C’s miraculous pill were invented in sometime in the 1830s, the exact date lost to history. Hey, if it worked back way back then, why not now? After all, consider all the fringe items that the Food and Drug Administration allows to be sold -- dietary supplements, magnetic soles, whatever -- that also claim relief.

Let’s look at an ad from the Plattsburgh Sentinel newspaper, Thursday, April 5, 1866:

Dr. Cheeseman's Female Pills Will immediately relieve without pain all disturbances of the Periodic discharge whether arising from relaxation or suppression. They act like a charm in removing the pains that accompany difficult or immoderate menstruation and are the only safe and reliable remedy for Flushes, Sick Headache, Pains in the Loins, Back and Sides, Palpitation of the Heart, Nervous Tremors, Hysterics, Spasms, Broken Sleep and other unpleasant and dangerous effects of an unnatural condition of the sexual functions. In the worst cases of Flnor Albus or Whites they effect a speedy cure.

It should be noted this drug does have a certain side-effect. To quote the ad from 1866:

[Dr. Cheeseman’s Female Regulating Pills] are offered as the only safe means of renewing interrupted menstruation, but Ladies must bear in mind that there is one condition of the female system in which the Pills cannot be taken producing a PECULIAR RESULT. The condition referred to is PREGNANCY – The result MISCARRIAGE. Such is the irreversible tendency of the medicine to restore the sexual functions to a normal condition that even the reproductive power of nature cannot resist it. They cannot do harm in any other way. ONE BOX Will restore the natural function to any FEMALE no matter what her condition or age.

Of course, one shouldn’t read between the lines and think Dr. C’s pills are some sort of abortifacient. Ignore that story your great-grandma might have told about a girl in trouble who faithfully took Dr. C’s medicine and nine months later she gave birth, the baby holding a Regulating Pill in its tiny hand.

So take a copy of this article to your druggist and demand the best and most reliable Female Medicine in the world, which is comprised in Dr. Cheeseman's Female Pills!!!


X. Dell said...

You didn't have an ad for Jeremiah Peabody's Polyunsaturated Quick-Dissolving Fast-Acting Pleasant-Tasting Green and Purple Pills, huh?

Doug said...

Four cents! At that price I can't afford not to buy them! Heck, maybe they'll have some benefit for the male anatomy as well.

Huh? Sure, I'll sign a waiver...

Ray said...

X. Dell:

Jeremiah Peabody is a cheap jerk. Couldn't work out a reasonable deal with his lawyer.


Better not use them, Doug. Dr. Cheeseman's Female Regulating Pills have a peculiar effect on men. You don't want to end up pregnant, do you? (A C-section for a guy really hurts.)


Middle Ditch said...

Hey! Great! Good for hot flushes! I'm flushing right now! Get me some .....