Sunday, December 02, 2007

Don’t Hesitate: Ugate!

Sick of the holiday rat race? Tired of shoving through crowds at the mall to find The One Perfect Gift?

Then why bother? All you’re doing to letting some CEO rake in more obscene profits while you go deeper into debt. And does everyone out there really need the latest overpriced, materialistic fad? You’re just accumulating a pile of useless junk. Christmas is really Crapmass.

Ugation is the answer. Slap together a gift on the small and cheap. Here’s an example made from a couple of dollar store items, a mouse pad found in a wastepaper basket, and a comb spotted lying on the sidewalk:

All I have to do is glue this grotesque arrangement together on the ratty mouse pad and it’s ready to go.

(Health tip: The comb was rinsed off, the pad was only dusty and worn. No need to spread contagion. Always use items that are at least semi-clean.)

Of course, I wouldn’t give this to a friend unless they were in on the true meaning of ugation (ugly creation). But there’s always some pain-in-the-ass who’s clueless to how he annoys you. Then you can pawn off an ugation as a sincere gift, saying that’s it the latest trend in fringe art.

And when it comes to pretentious arts fads, well, that’s another kind of crapmass.


Doug said...

Have a holly, jolly Crapmass
It's the best time of the year
I don't know if there'll be snow
But make crap out of gear
Have a holly, jolly Crapmass
When a jerk hangs up his sock
Oh my golly, make his holly, jolly Crapmass
With schlock.

SJ said...

Ray, Thanks for the comment over at mine... I too had seen you around at X's.

As for the site I am afraid I hadn't heard of it till you mentioned it so I prolly know less than you do. Sorry for not being of any use :)

Ray said...


ThanX for replying. You should check out those weird articles on UFOs at . The writers act as if The X Files TV show was a documentary series.


Your poem is being taken in the dis-spirit it was intended. You're not writing from the Island of Misfit Poets, are you?


X. Dell said...

Um, what's this do, exactly? Sit around and pretty up the place? If so, I would suggest massive PR and advertising budgets.

Ray said...

X. Dell:

PR and advertising are both antithetical to Ugation. Ugation must spread in an organic, random pattern - like a bathroom mold.