Thursday, September 13, 2007

Mutant Fowl Up

Bioengineering firm G Spot unveiled its line of polychromatic chickens. The birds are striking, variegated color bands marking their bodies from beak to tail. The head might be shade of green or yellow while the other end could be dark blue or bright red. Unfortunately a couple of defects can’t be overlooked.

Doctor Jean Nettics, head of research at G Spot, said that flower DNA was spliced into the DNA stands of a common chicken to create the multicolored mutations. While the feather color change was successful, the altered avians suffer from unusual disabilities.

The roosters make horrible sounds because they crow backwards. The repeated reversed crowing soon causes their throats to collapse and they suffocate.

A few of the chickens are afflicted with head spinning, constantly twisting their heads in circles. This chronic action disconnects their necks. Eventually their heads sag and droop; they’re unable to eat.

The DNA splicing is so effective that it only has to be performed once. The bio-engineered birds lay rainbow-splashed eggs that pass on the new genetic information to the next generation of hatchlings.

People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals – PETA – has vigorously lodged a complaint against G Spot. PETA spokesman Fred Furrier quit his job at the Weekly World News to crusade on the behalf of mutational mistakes such as the defective multicolored chickens.

“Man wasn’t meant to tamper with the forces of nature,” he intoned. “Some eggs are better left unhatched.”

Furrier is concerned what will happen of mutant chicken eggs accidentally end up in the food supply. Or if some people decide to deliberately ingest such eggs to produce certain results.

“Look at these crazy kids today,” observed Furrier. “They like to ruin their hair with all sorts of strange dyes: purple, pink, Bozo orange. Why bother dying their hair when they can chow down a mutagenic omelet and let perverted nature run its course?”

Furrier understands that some people will find the freaky fowl story unbelievable. But he adds: “It must be true. There are photos on the Internet!”


X. Dell said...

Cute. Furrier must be right, since he once worked at that bastion of journalistic integrity The Weekly World News." They never get it wrong, do they?

Actually, I wonder if Furrier's a former employee because the paper ceased publication a month or two ago, or because he ran out of tall tales.

Ray said...

X. Dell:

Furrier left the Weekly World News long before it folded. He wanted to do something meaningful with his writing talents, engaging in a position where facts and the truth were valued.

So for a while he was a public information officer for the White House, working closely with the President, preparing official statements about the pace of success with the Iraq War.


Doug said...

Are these photos shot by Ray? Ray gives me photographic advice but I so rarely see evidence of what he has shot. I am intrigued. Could Ray be making these allegations true by documenting them?

The internet relies not only indolence but on our believing everything we see there.

Ray said...


Yup, those images are by yours truly. Someone asked me if I took ordinary chickens, pale poultry, and colored them with Photoshop. No, I didn't. All the changes I made were with cropping and brightness levels, nothing else.

I consider myself an amateur photographer and so I only offer advice to help out another amateur. Please don't take my advice or observations as that of a working pro.

Within the fringe boundaries of this blog, I like to only use images that are uncommon or unusual. That's why I don't post many photos.

You wrote: I am intrigued. Could Ray be making these allegations true by documenting them?

So maybe I snuck in a camera during a rare public tour of G Spot's main research facility. (Or maybe I was at the New York State Fair in the poultry building.)

ThanX for stopping by and commenting.