Wednesday, February 07, 2007

That’s The Ticket!

When he’s not expounding upon topics ufological, blogger Paul Kimball likes to share his dating tips. Actually, it’s a dating tip. To win a woman’s heart (and her other vital organs) a guy should share with the object of his desire poetry by Byron.

But that tip assumes that one is romancing a particular type of woman. Let’s face it: your typical ersatz blonde knows more about BYOB than Byron, her ditzy state caused in part by peroxide permeating her skull. It doesn’t take much to entrance such a woman: Byronic poetry acts like a bright shiny object that quickly induces a dear-in-the-headlights mental state. Great for satiating physical needs, but what about the intellectual aspects? What kind of meaningful discussions can you have with a vacuous vamp? Are you interested in a soulmate or a holemate?

If flowery poetry works for Paul, that’s fine by me. But I prefer the type of woman who isn’t so easily duped by ornate quotes from some English poet who died back in 1824, an unenligthened era without our modern conveniences – computers and cars for example – that help us understand the human condition with deeper depth.

For the type of woman I prefer, I eschew Byronic ploys and use a personal hobby to activate the chick magnetism: my collection of parking tickets from around the world.

What astute woman wouldn’t be intrigued by my prized possession, a warning ticket from the City of Gillette Police Department in Wyoming? On the front part of the ticket there’s a cartoon of a grizzly old prospector named “Desert Pete” on his mule. Below this Wild West icon is a message that states the driver was “durn near got arrested in Gillette!”

Flip over the yellow ticket and the driver finds out that he was in violation of Parking Ordinance #399. But the transgressor is getting off only with a warning – he can keep the ticket as a souvenir. He’s invited to come back often (with his money, of course).

Such a historical document can only lead to fascinating discussions with the right woman. What is the value of giving out only a warning ticket vis-à-vis prevailing standards of the criminal justice system in tandem with the municipal business infrastructure? What kind of Jungian – or even Lovecraftian – archetype does “Desert Pete” represent? And what is a violation of Parking Ordinance #399 – parking too near a donkey carcass?

So let men like Paul Kimball quote Byron – we smarter guys have the right ticket(s) to find that special woman.

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Doug said...

This leaves me a bit worried. Not only are English majors brainwashed into believing that words actually are proper tools for wooing, but having never received a pseudo-citation in Wyoming, I become concerned that the relationship I have (not stemming from the reason you noted) is not as sound as I have thought.

I have at least been to Wyoming (some 23 years ago). Do you think that's close enough?

Please pardon my neuroses.


Ray said...


I thought English majors were now being vaccinated against the delusional meme that adeptness with words makes one master of work and love. I know that my BA in English has left me under-employed and under-dated.

I've never been to Wyoming. I only found the parking ticket inside a used tome; it had been pressed into service as a bookmark and then was lost for many years. Anyway, if I could travel to Wyoming, I would approach such a venture with trepidation. I heard tourists were required to take an IQ test after visiting that state, especially after prolonged exposure.

Regarding your own situation, I think your relationship is sound. Don't worry. After all, you're not living in Wyoming!

(Gee, there goes my following in Wyoming -- all one of them.)