Miracle Mamma





Pilgrims from all over the world are flocking to Plattsburgh, NY to witness the mammafestation hanging from the ceiling of Café Onion.

“It is the sacred teat of Gaea,” proclaims new ager Kat Krystal.

But not all agree.

Representing traditional belief, Father Nolo Davinci says the dripping protuberance represents no pagan goddess.

And there are those who think the ceiling swelling is just the result of a leak from the second floor.

Three days ago a customer noticed that a circular section on the coffeehouse ceiling was sagging, the bright yellow latex paint expanding into mammary form. A drop of clear liquid fell into his coffee and without thinking he drank from the tainted cup.

Suffering from a severe sore throat, he noticed that his condition suddenly improved. It dawned on him that it had to be the liquid falling from the ceiling. He told others but no one believed him.

The customer, Zeke “The Freak” LaBadger, explained, “Ya, I told them dat dere liquid was a cure-all. Some big biker woman came in, complaining about her botched tattoo job, that it was achin’ fierce. So I told her to stand under dat dere tit and let the wonder water do its stuff.”

Within seconds the tattoo was healed up, no traces of scarring.

Word soon spread and people began lining up, walking in single file to pass by the ceiling mammafestation.

Arguments can be heard outside the Café Onion among individuals representing opposing beliefs. But all are respectful and silent after they enter the downtown coffeehouse to view the yellow breastshape. Hanging there in one corner like a galactic gland, it slowly lactates a clear liquid that others also claim has miraculous healing powers.

“It cured my chronic hangnail,” says local woman Betty “Boop” LaBeaver. “Just one drop.”

Other claimed cures involve postnasal drip, anal itch, hairy shoulder blades, and a missing arm.

Father Nolo Davinci, pastor of Our Lady of The Burgh, believes the paranormal protuberance represents the power of a Christian God.

“After all,” states Davinci, “how did Mary feed the baby Jesus unless she was able to lactate? As God made a virgin give forth life-sustaining mother’s milk, he has made a ceiling organic, dripping life-affirming holy water.”