Thursday, May 25, 2006

Miracle Mamma

Pilgrims from all over the world are flocking to Plattsburgh, NY to witness the mammafestation hanging from the ceiling of Café Onion.

“It is the sacred teat of Gaea,” proclaims new ager Kat Krystal.

But not all agree.

Representing traditional belief, Father Nolo Davinci says the dripping protuberance represents no pagan goddess.

And there are those who think the ceiling swelling is just the result of a leak from the second floor.

Three days ago a customer noticed that a circular section on the coffeehouse ceiling was sagging, the bright yellow latex paint expanding into mammary form. A drop of clear liquid fell into his coffee and without thinking he drank from the tainted cup.

Suffering from a severe sore throat, he noticed that his condition suddenly improved. It dawned on him that it had to be the liquid falling from the ceiling. He told others but no one believed him.

The customer, Zeke “The Freak” LaBadger, explained, “Ya, I told them dat dere liquid was a cure-all. Some big biker woman came in, complaining about her botched tattoo job, that it was achin’ fierce. So I told her to stand under dat dere tit and let the wonder water do its stuff.”

Within seconds the tattoo was healed up, no traces of scarring.

Word soon spread and people began lining up, walking in single file to pass by the ceiling mammafestation.

Arguments can be heard outside the Café Onion among individuals representing opposing beliefs. But all are respectful and silent after they enter the downtown coffeehouse to view the yellow breastshape. Hanging there in one corner like a galactic gland, it slowly lactates a clear liquid that others also claim has miraculous healing powers.

“It cured my chronic hangnail,” says local woman Betty “Boop” LaBeaver. “Just one drop.”

Other claimed cures involve postnasal drip, anal itch, hairy shoulder blades, and a missing arm.

Father Nolo Davinci, pastor of Our Lady of The Burgh, believes the paranormal protuberance represents the power of a Christian God.

“After all,” states Davinci, “how did Mary feed the baby Jesus unless she was able to lactate? As God made a virgin give forth life-sustaining mother’s milk, he has made a ceiling organic, dripping life-affirming holy water.”

Monday, May 22, 2006

Patio Car: A Vehicle For Protest

The owner of the car pictured above is a cigarette smoker upset by the recent laws prohibiting smoking inside public places such as restaurants. He decided to build his own designated smoking area atop his station wagon.

I asked the owner about all the fixtures on his mobile patio, if he ever had trouble with a strong wind. He said that the chairs and other items were all bolted down.

I also inquired if any local police officers had seen him driving his patio car around town and if he had been stopped for any sort of violation. He replied that the police had seen the car and thought it was funny. The owner added that the trouble with the country today was that there were too many laws affecting the rights of individuals.

I wonder: how long before patio cars are banned? After all, you can’t have such individualistic dissent permitted: it will damage our democracy.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Hotshot Godzilla Is A Dirty Fighter!

Keywords: Roasted nuts. Fried sausage. Juvenile humor.

We Have A Winner... the Stanton Friedman Lookalike Contest.

Friday, May 12, 2006


Attention: Richard Hoagland!

I just found this photo at under the post heading of Laughlin Photo Album - Volume V, Tuesday, May 09, 2006. This blog is the work of Canadian UFO researcher and documentary-maker, Paul Kimball. It was taken during his travels; in the background the Hoover Dam is depicted. I've cropped most of the image to concentrate on the important detail. No, it's not the breathtaking celestial body, but what is written on the rail next to her right hip.

See that graffito? One letter is obscured. It must be an "M" -- as in Mars. Notice the star symbol tagged on the end of the graffito?

In the comments section to this post, Mac Tonnies ( ) says the structures in the background look like the Mars settlement in the movie "Total Recall."

See how it ties together, Mr. Hoagland? I bet some Freemasons were involved in the construction of the Hoover Dam. If you take the square area of the dam site and add it to the value of pi and then divide by 1.2 googol, you will arrive at a number that proves the third tower in the background lines up perfectly with the pyramid on Mars during a key Freemason holiday.

Need I eXtrapolate more?

Ray X