Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Two Female Glands

(C) Copyright 2007 Ray X

Men can’t understand women. A guy can’t figure out what his girlfriend really wants. Women are fickle, mysterious.

But is there really a mystery?

I think a clue can be found in a comic book from the 1960s: Justice League of America #6, featuring the story “The Wheel of Misfortune.” The superheroes in the League are caught off guard when Professor Amos Fortune stymies their heroic efforts by targeting their “luck glands.” With his research into the science of luck, Amos has discovered a ductless gland within each person that controls an individual’s fortune. He can induce bad luck through his stimo-luck machine.

Now that’s a thought-provoking insight. What other unknown glands might be influencing human actions?

It can be posited that women also have a pair of specialized glands that control their emotions towards men. The first one is located on the left side: the romance gland. This causes a woman to become deeply infatuated with a man, even to the point of overlooking his faults, turning each flaw into a positive asset. For example, in the beginning of the relationship, the romance gland dumps so much of its specialized bio-chemical into a woman that she ends up saying:

“No, Joe, your snoring doesn’t bother me. I think it’s cute. Anyway, I like your snoring. It’s reassuring to hear it; I know that you’re right next to me, keeping me safe.”

But after six months the romance gland has done its job: the man is in love with the woman. Now the romance gland shrinks in size and a second gland, located on a woman’s right side, activates, swelling ten times in size, dumping its mood-altering secretion. This is the fearsome nag gland. Now the woman ends up saying:

“Joe, you son of a bitch! Your snoring is driving me nuts! You better get that operation or I’ll operate on you. I’ll take a power drill to your head, popping in new holes until you stop that goddamn racket!”

It all makes sense now, doesn’t it? Thanks to a 10-cent comic book from over four decades ago.

(Image from


Doug said...

I'm not going to focus too much on your theory until I see it featured in a comic book (ideally including Hawkman), at which point I'll know what to think about it.

I imagine there'll be this bit of dialogue:
"Stop nagging me, woman. I told you to pick up some damn Breath-Rite strips so I could breath through my nose, but you keep forgetting. Geez, you knew I had a deviated septum when you married me!"

Ray said...


Did you know that Hawkgirl used to make Hawkman wear his hawk-helmet mask to bed to control his snoring? (Actually, his annoying nocturnal sound was more like tweeting, but you get my drift.)



X. Dell said...

A bad luck gland? So that's what it is.

Ray said...

x. dell:

Yup, a bad luck gland. And in men there's a gland that controls their actions, suppressing all rational thought. The name of this gland rhymes with luck.


X. Dell said...

Hmmm. Never heard of the duck gland.